Snot on Planes

Last week I went up to Minneapolis, MN to visit some of my family and get a fresh breath of Midwestern air. Of course this required a plane trip up there and back. I know a lot of people that don't like to fly because of the close proximity to other people and their sicknesses. Some people I know get sick ever single time they fly. I however have little fear of getting sick and am normally pretty good about other people's grossness. As I'm sure my mother can attest, I was the little girl that contemplated throwing dirt in my scrapes to see if I could get them to puss. But facial liquids…facial liquids are a completely different story…

I stared at the Suduko puzzle on the back of the in-flight magazine sipping my Sprite with no ice on the Boeing 737. Minding my own business I hear the sound that makes my skin crawl off of my muscles and bones into my shoes. SSSSNNNIIIIHHHHHAAAA The mucus fighting to get out and the person refusing to let it go while the nose screams in horror. This individual has some sick obsession with fighting gravity to pull that snot up past their nose hairs and into their throat. As I hear this I could feel a phantom wad of mucus sliding down the back of my throat to my unsuspecting stomach below. Don't these people get enough food in their lives? They will give you as many pretzels that you want on the plane. Does other people's snot taste like chocolate? What am I missing!?

I spotted the culprit on the way up to MN. I stared at the back of his head contemplating if I could render him unconscious, and thus making him stop, by chucking my pen at his head. I analyzed the obstacles in my way (other passengers) and determined the different ways this could go wrong. But I was willing to take the risk. Unfortunately, I just couldn't subject my poor pen to touching such a disgusting person. I looked at the call button wondered if I could ask the flight attendant to suffocate the man with a pillow. But she didn't look strong enough. The man obvious had great nose pressure and could easily blow the attendant well into first class.

And if it wasn't bad enough that I had to fly next to this guy on the flight up and the flight back, his snot sucking was contagious. Other people all around me started the sniffling. I finally could take no more. My body curdled up into the fetal position as I started to twitch uncontrollably. My only hope was that the turbulence of the plane would comfort me enough to fall asleep and escape the horror.

As I started to fall in and out of consciousness I had an even worse experience. I thought I heard myself sniffle, and then again. Was this some sick dream? Was I really sniffling? I couldn't take it anymore! Luckily the plane landed shortly and I ran off. (I would like to take this time to apologize to any elderly ladies I may or may not have knocked over on my rush off of the airplane.) I could never have imagined in a million years how happy I was to be on Georgia ground.