Interactive Shopping

In my home I have a very large refrigerator and 27 cabinet doors. Yes, 27. It is like playing memory every day that I get up. Where are the bowls? Where is the cereal? Where are those rotting potatoes I can smell that I bought 3 months ago and forgot about? Yes, the kitchen is a blast. And interestingly enough cabinet doors shutting are the only thing I hear from my neighbors who I share a wall with. Hmmm….I try so very hard to shut my cabinets softly because I know the neighbors will hear. Never mind the neighboring 1 year old finds opening and closing doors as a game. Where does my need to shut cupboard doors softly come from? I guess the memory of my mother running into the kitchen in the middle of the day with her pjs on screaming “STOP SLAMMING THE CUPBOARD DOORS!” might have something to do with it. Which led to having all the cupboard doors open all the time in our kitchen at home. Lov’a mom. But now that I am taller this only leads to concussions. So now I have to buy lots of food because I let it all rot behind the closed doors.

So to the grocery store I go. Now food shopping seems like a safe and normal thing to do. I mean people do it every day. But there was the box incident at Publix…hmmm. Forget about that already? Ask Ms. Peach about it; she’ll fill you in.

I finally think I figured out where some of the food items are in the store. You see they like to put them in groups of meals. For example, velveta cheese is by the pasta because you use both of them to make Mac and Cheese. Nice, but what if I want to make grilled cheese? No the bread and cheese are not together. As you can imagine this can become rather confusing fast. But I’ll live…maybe.

They are nice and put all the produce in the same area. Well most of it. So you ever notice how they water the green stuff? I mean regardless if it needs it or not. Like the celery. Shouldn’t someone tell them that it is already in a plastic bag and doesn’t need watering? Ever been picking out your veggies and all of a sudden joined a wet tee shirt contest? I WIN!! As I jump up in down holding my head of broccoli trophy. Ok, apparently this was not what Kroger was looking for. Let’s take a step back. So I was standing there picking out my veggies when all of a sudden the lights start to flash. And then there was banging. I step back startled, while I looked oddly at the row that has just started to go ballistic. Then it starts to rain. OOO I get it, it was thunder and lighting warning me to step back and not get wet. Cleaver.

Ok, so I got my heart palpitation for the day from the thunder storm but my shirt is still dry. I can live with that. I move on to the milk. I got to get my gallon or I get cranky. And no one likes a cranky Erin. I grab my milk and turn…oooo…Cheetos. Yeah like I said, no idea the organization schema they have going on. As I am picking out my perfect bag of only partially smashed chips I hear MAAAAOOOOAAAA. What the…? I turn and look around. What was that? I see nothing and then I hear it again? Finally after about 10 times of the noise and me standing in the middle for the row looking around confused as everyone else walks around me, I spot it. It was a little speaker on the top of the milk fridge. The milk is mooing at me. Apparently they were going for the “fresh milk” thing. But the canned cow sounded like a cow that was 3 weeks due at the rendering plant. It was awful. I can make a better cow sound. I didn’t even realize it was supposed to be a cow until after I spotted the speaker. It made me want to put the milk back. Who wants milk from a geriatric half gutted dying cow?

Seriously, the thunderstorm was cleaver. The dying cow was creepy. Do people miss the milk? I mean it is in a big cooler and there are rows of it. It is the one thing I can sniff out pretty easily. I was so disturbed that the mooed at me, I left the store. Not sure I got everything. I really was not looking forward to hearing the sound of a squealing pig drowning in a vat of boiling water as I picked out my pork chop. Nor did I want to smell rotting infected dead animal as I walked by the kibble. This interactive shopping was just too much for me. Just put the food in a logical order. Leave the animal mutilation noises in the slaughter house where they belong, please.

O OO OOO!!! Do you think I could break into the store and change the dead cow sound to maybe a rat squeak? Do you think milk sales would go down? Hmmm….more milk for me.