For The Birds

Today started off well. It rained. Do you know how happy that makes me? Most people would say it was because Georgia is in the middle of a terrible drought and are afraid of running out of water. Okay, I’ll give you that the rain is good so we have water to shower, brush our teeth, do our laundry, wash our floors, and all that jazz. (Not that you could get some people down here to do that even if there was a flood.) However, I was happy to see/hear the rain because I got sleep. Yes sleep. GLORIOUS SLEEP!!! You hear me!? The pitter patter of rain drops knocks me out like a right hook. And with sleep comes a clearer mind. Go clear minds! That insomnia crap is for the birds.

You know what else is for the birds? Nothing!! But apparently no one told them that. You see I was using my new found brain to do some due diligence on my work. I was doing well, too, until I hear this sound; as if someone gently rapping, rapping at my window. “‘Tis my boss," I muttered, "tapping at my window; Only this, and nothing more."

O wait, sorry wrong bird story. But my boss does like to tap on the window to get you outside for a smoke. Funny, I don’t smoke; funnier my boss is home hacking his lungs out. My interest peaked. If not my boss, then who or what was tapping at my window? It grew louder and into a Thud. Thud..Thud…THUD…THUD

Okay, that was getting creepy, so I went over to the window to open the blinds. I drew back the cord and these big black masses flung from the window sill to the dark sky. I drew back another blind and more masses exploded into the sky. What was going on?

I moved to the door to see what had been beckoning me to come outside. I opened the door, and there in front of me…surrounding me…was a murder; an honest to god murder. It was so massive! I have never seen such a large murder of crows in my life. They had been tapping at my window and now circled the sky above me cawing and crowing.

Ya that was enough for me. I went back inside and shut my blinds. I went to my boss’s office, the same boss that shares a window of walls with me and the one boss that was actually at work. I told her what happened and asked her if she had the bird knocking on her windows and if she saw them. She looked and me and said that she had no idea what I was talking about.

I know I saw them. I am actually awake today. I cowered in my office until the end of the work day, after everyone else had gone home. I sat there, alone, wishing I didn’t have to go outside again and be eaten by birds. But I was hungry. I knew I could not live on the peanuts in my drawer. So I ventured out. I peaked outside, ran to my car, locked the doors, and peeled out of the parking lot.

I made it home without a sign of the murder. I think I am safe. I hope I am safe. I might be safe. I probably will be murdered… as long as it rains while it happens I’ll be fine.

Pushin' up Daisies

Lately, I have been pretty lucky about dogging death in Georgia. Except for that guy today that took up 6 parking spots in the Kroger parking lot waiting to get his emissions checked. I ALMOST had to bash his old, grey haired head into his steering column and then probably get beat down by a cop. But I refrained myself; Georgia is turning me soft. O for those of you that doesn’t know I suffer from extreme parking rage. If you’re moving we’re all good, but once you stop you better be in a designated parking spot, WITHIN your lines. Okay, but that is not what this post is about.

Although, I have been able to defy death lately (note the lack of posting), Georgia has taken it to the next level. It has entered my dreams; or should I say nightmares? The following was the nightmare I had last night that woke me up at 3:30 am and was so scary that I could not fall back asleep. Or at least I didn’t want to for fear of what might follow.

I stood there, eyeing the big closet. I had become aware that it was caging people in its own little hell. The tortured cries of the souls drew me to action. I knew I had to save them from The Closet. I sprung into action freeing many. One of the freed beings was a good friend of mine. I was happy I was able to help her and the others. But there were still others locked inside of vessels that were strewn about the defeated closet and outer floor. I asked, "Why are some people in vessels?" To which I was informed that it was like solitary confinement. Seeing the shear terror of the vessels I dared asked, “What was the torture like in hell, and what do these poor unfortunate souls feel now?” I was told that inside the vessels were the person and singing daisies. That's right, hell is full of singing daisies just annoying the shit out of everyone. The horror! But I just could not stand there. We discussed the captive people and how to free them while we cleaned up the kitchen; it had become a mess from the fight for freedom. Just then, I saw a jar that had come out of hell. I looked at it, and it had many ingredients. I read the first ingredient, and it was teddy bear blood.

At that exact point I woke up. I think my teddy bear Roger bit me because he didn't like my dream. However, I contest that singing daisies are quite scary in their own right. I still had that freaked out feeling of not wanting to go back to bed after a really bad nightmare. So if ever someone asks you what hell is like you can tell them it is filled with singing daisies and teddy bear blood. At least the one in Georgia is.