Mom killed JFK

I can’t hide it anymore! I know this is not the normal story I tell on this blog but it must be told. All the years I was trying to cover it up by spreading conspiracy theories have come to an end. No more 2^nd shooter. No more grassy knoll. No, the truth is my mom is responsible for the death of our 35th president of the United States of America. I know, I know how could I hide it for so long and what finally made me crack?

The Church got me. You see I went home to be with family for the holidays. During mass the priest mentioned that this Thanksgiving marked the 44^th anniversary of JFK’s death. Of course when we went home everyone started talking about where they were when JFK was shot. All was good until my mom told her story.

My mother was in 1^st grade when it happened. An older boy came to her classroom and announced that the president was shot. No other details were given. The nun told all the kids to pray. They had to pray really hard that JFK was shot in the foot. And as you know, JFK was not shot in the foot.

You see if mom had prayed harder and truly believed that bullet would have left his head and went to the foot. It would have been a miracle! The brain surgeons would have been relieved and the foot doctors could have taken over. But NO my mom didn’t pray hard enough. She didn’t believe strong enough. Her faith was too weak. And thus because of her inadequacies she let JFK die. God was testing my mom and her 1^st grade class. And they failed.

Later my aunt would ask mom if she felt bad about killing JFK. My mom told my aunt that she didn’t for the last 44 years but now that I pointed it out she did. At least she still has her Catholic guilt. I thanked her for teaching me how to distribute it out so well.

Please, watch your step!

You know about the curse of paying something off? Sure you do. You make the last payment on that car. It gets struck by lighting and burns to a crisp the next day. But it is your crispy car. All yours! Or you make that last payment on your mortgage. To celebrate you do the traditional tossing the mortgage into the fireplace. Your fireplace. And then your fireplace burns down your house. But is it your pile of rubble!

So no I didn’t make my last car payment or buy a house. No, something a little more important and closer to me. I just paid off all my student loans. So cross your fingers and watch your step. Hopefully my brain will not explode and leave grey matter all over the place. But if it does, I am counting on all of you. Please, please pick up my brain if you see it on the side of the road. Pull off the lint or twig that is on it and return it to my body. Thank you.

Interactive Shopping

In my home I have a very large refrigerator and 27 cabinet doors. Yes, 27. It is like playing memory every day that I get up. Where are the bowls? Where is the cereal? Where are those rotting potatoes I can smell that I bought 3 months ago and forgot about? Yes, the kitchen is a blast. And interestingly enough cabinet doors shutting are the only thing I hear from my neighbors who I share a wall with. Hmmm….I try so very hard to shut my cabinets softly because I know the neighbors will hear. Never mind the neighboring 1 year old finds opening and closing doors as a game. Where does my need to shut cupboard doors softly come from? I guess the memory of my mother running into the kitchen in the middle of the day with her pjs on screaming “STOP SLAMMING THE CUPBOARD DOORS!” might have something to do with it. Which led to having all the cupboard doors open all the time in our kitchen at home. Lov’a mom. But now that I am taller this only leads to concussions. So now I have to buy lots of food because I let it all rot behind the closed doors.

So to the grocery store I go. Now food shopping seems like a safe and normal thing to do. I mean people do it every day. But there was the box incident at Publix…hmmm. Forget about that already? Ask Ms. Peach about it; she’ll fill you in.

I finally think I figured out where some of the food items are in the store. You see they like to put them in groups of meals. For example, velveta cheese is by the pasta because you use both of them to make Mac and Cheese. Nice, but what if I want to make grilled cheese? No the bread and cheese are not together. As you can imagine this can become rather confusing fast. But I’ll live…maybe.

They are nice and put all the produce in the same area. Well most of it. So you ever notice how they water the green stuff? I mean regardless if it needs it or not. Like the celery. Shouldn’t someone tell them that it is already in a plastic bag and doesn’t need watering? Ever been picking out your veggies and all of a sudden joined a wet tee shirt contest? I WIN!! As I jump up in down holding my head of broccoli trophy. Ok, apparently this was not what Kroger was looking for. Let’s take a step back. So I was standing there picking out my veggies when all of a sudden the lights start to flash. And then there was banging. I step back startled, while I looked oddly at the row that has just started to go ballistic. Then it starts to rain. OOO I get it, it was thunder and lighting warning me to step back and not get wet. Cleaver.

Ok, so I got my heart palpitation for the day from the thunder storm but my shirt is still dry. I can live with that. I move on to the milk. I got to get my gallon or I get cranky. And no one likes a cranky Erin. I grab my milk and turn…oooo…Cheetos. Yeah like I said, no idea the organization schema they have going on. As I am picking out my perfect bag of only partially smashed chips I hear MAAAAOOOOAAAA. What the…? I turn and look around. What was that? I see nothing and then I hear it again? Finally after about 10 times of the noise and me standing in the middle for the row looking around confused as everyone else walks around me, I spot it. It was a little speaker on the top of the milk fridge. The milk is mooing at me. Apparently they were going for the “fresh milk” thing. But the canned cow sounded like a cow that was 3 weeks due at the rendering plant. It was awful. I can make a better cow sound. I didn’t even realize it was supposed to be a cow until after I spotted the speaker. It made me want to put the milk back. Who wants milk from a geriatric half gutted dying cow?

Seriously, the thunderstorm was cleaver. The dying cow was creepy. Do people miss the milk? I mean it is in a big cooler and there are rows of it. It is the one thing I can sniff out pretty easily. I was so disturbed that the mooed at me, I left the store. Not sure I got everything. I really was not looking forward to hearing the sound of a squealing pig drowning in a vat of boiling water as I picked out my pork chop. Nor did I want to smell rotting infected dead animal as I walked by the kibble. This interactive shopping was just too much for me. Just put the food in a logical order. Leave the animal mutilation noises in the slaughter house where they belong, please.

O OO OOO!!! Do you think I could break into the store and change the dead cow sound to maybe a rat squeak? Do you think milk sales would go down? Hmmm….more milk for me.

Spooky

Ok now I want to talk about Halloween. Now I know I am a little slow, however it seems to me I should be able to talk about a holiday after it happens for a length of time equivalent to how long stores were selling merchandise before the holiday. I think that makes me good until May 2011? Someone check my math. So without further ado, here is your read.

Trick-OR-Treat!! Hehe, no, I didn't go trick-or-treating; I'm too old. And no I didn't hand out candy. I'm more of the type to go buy the candy and then conveniently forget to turn on my porch light. Yeah, yeah I know I'm a horrible person. Get over it.

But really the Halloween for me was going to a haunted house. Scratch that, THE haunted house. I went to Norcross's Netherworld Haunted House. For those of you who don't know that is number one ranked scariest haunted house in all of the US. I figured if any haunted
house was going to get me this one was it.

I went with Steph and Adam. It started with us driving. Then me missing the turn and then missing the parking lot driveway and having to back out into heavy traffic as the parking guy stood in the way in the middle of the dark. It was great. Then we walked in the dark on the side of the road while cars whizzed by. Yeah Georgia doesn't believe in sidewalks. Finally we got there and I got to go to my first horror house…um I mean….Porta-Potty. But those dark horrors are too graphic for internet posting.

Ok so we wait in line and finally get to go into the 'extra' haunted house. The ghoul at the door tells us that we can't have our cell phones on; starts off scary enough. We walk through with monsters jumping out at us. Not very scary but some people were screaming. I get bored enough that I let the two little teenage boys behind me take the lead just in time to hear "Get on your knees and crawl through." Um…we'll let that one go too.

So I get on my hands and knees and the scariest thing happened; Steph kept feeling up my butt. Thanks Steph! Nothing like having your cousin feel you up to have a night of terror. But then she moved to my ankles and Adam saw the sign to stand up. We did and found ourselves behind a monster.

"Excuse me mister monster, but we got behind you."

"O yes you need to turn left instead of right."

"O, thanks, Happy Halloween."

"No problem. Have a good night."

Pleasant monster. We got out and got in line for the big attraction. About a 30-45 minute wait. They were selling Fear energy drinks. Which saddened me. I mean did I need an energy drink to stay awake in the big haunted house? Was I going to get so bored that I would just fall into a narcoleptic slumber? Come on.

Well maybe I should have gotten one because I didn't scream or get startled once. Even when some random monster screamed right in my left ear I didn't jump. O and there was the one monster that just kept coming closer and closer until he touched me on my side. I was like "um…back off." I felt bad. Should I have faked it? Well the only thing that was scary to me was the amount of carbon dioxide that was in the house.

Ok so long story I know. But no death, no scariness, o hold on. We left and went back to the cars. As I went to open my door I saw there was no window in the driver side. I yelled for Steph and Adam. The door was unlocked. I freaked out. I looked my phone, my purse, my GPS, DJ, Chris, everything…everything all there. I turned on the car and rolled up the window. Freaky. So we stood in the dark parking lot talking about how I knew I locked my door and how they saw me do it. And as I held my keys up in my palm not touching any buttons the
car lights flashed and locked…will that happen again? We'll see…

For The Birds

Today started off well. It rained. Do you know how happy that makes me? Most people would say it was because Georgia is in the middle of a terrible drought and are afraid of running out of water. Okay, I’ll give you that the rain is good so we have water to shower, brush our teeth, do our laundry, wash our floors, and all that jazz. (Not that you could get some people down here to do that even if there was a flood.) However, I was happy to see/hear the rain because I got sleep. Yes sleep. GLORIOUS SLEEP!!! You hear me!? The pitter patter of rain drops knocks me out like a right hook. And with sleep comes a clearer mind. Go clear minds! That insomnia crap is for the birds.

You know what else is for the birds? Nothing!! But apparently no one told them that. You see I was using my new found brain to do some due diligence on my work. I was doing well, too, until I hear this sound; as if someone gently rapping, rapping at my window. “‘Tis my boss," I muttered, "tapping at my window; Only this, and nothing more."

O wait, sorry wrong bird story. But my boss does like to tap on the window to get you outside for a smoke. Funny, I don’t smoke; funnier my boss is home hacking his lungs out. My interest peaked. If not my boss, then who or what was tapping at my window? It grew louder and into a Thud. Thud..Thud…THUD…THUD

Okay, that was getting creepy, so I went over to the window to open the blinds. I drew back the cord and these big black masses flung from the window sill to the dark sky. I drew back another blind and more masses exploded into the sky. What was going on?

I moved to the door to see what had been beckoning me to come outside. I opened the door, and there in front of me…surrounding me…was a murder; an honest to god murder. It was so massive! I have never seen such a large murder of crows in my life. They had been tapping at my window and now circled the sky above me cawing and crowing.

Ya that was enough for me. I went back inside and shut my blinds. I went to my boss’s office, the same boss that shares a window of walls with me and the one boss that was actually at work. I told her what happened and asked her if she had the bird knocking on her windows and if she saw them. She looked and me and said that she had no idea what I was talking about.

I know I saw them. I am actually awake today. I cowered in my office until the end of the work day, after everyone else had gone home. I sat there, alone, wishing I didn’t have to go outside again and be eaten by birds. But I was hungry. I knew I could not live on the peanuts in my drawer. So I ventured out. I peaked outside, ran to my car, locked the doors, and peeled out of the parking lot.

I made it home without a sign of the murder. I think I am safe. I hope I am safe. I might be safe. I probably will be murdered… as long as it rains while it happens I’ll be fine.

Pushin' up Daisies

Lately, I have been pretty lucky about dogging death in Georgia. Except for that guy today that took up 6 parking spots in the Kroger parking lot waiting to get his emissions checked. I ALMOST had to bash his old, grey haired head into his steering column and then probably get beat down by a cop. But I refrained myself; Georgia is turning me soft. O for those of you that doesn’t know I suffer from extreme parking rage. If you’re moving we’re all good, but once you stop you better be in a designated parking spot, WITHIN your lines. Okay, but that is not what this post is about.

Although, I have been able to defy death lately (note the lack of posting), Georgia has taken it to the next level. It has entered my dreams; or should I say nightmares? The following was the nightmare I had last night that woke me up at 3:30 am and was so scary that I could not fall back asleep. Or at least I didn’t want to for fear of what might follow.

I stood there, eyeing the big closet. I had become aware that it was caging people in its own little hell. The tortured cries of the souls drew me to action. I knew I had to save them from The Closet. I sprung into action freeing many. One of the freed beings was a good friend of mine. I was happy I was able to help her and the others. But there were still others locked inside of vessels that were strewn about the defeated closet and outer floor. I asked, "Why are some people in vessels?" To which I was informed that it was like solitary confinement. Seeing the shear terror of the vessels I dared asked, “What was the torture like in hell, and what do these poor unfortunate souls feel now?” I was told that inside the vessels were the person and singing daisies. That's right, hell is full of singing daisies just annoying the shit out of everyone. The horror! But I just could not stand there. We discussed the captive people and how to free them while we cleaned up the kitchen; it had become a mess from the fight for freedom. Just then, I saw a jar that had come out of hell. I looked at it, and it had many ingredients. I read the first ingredient, and it was teddy bear blood.

At that exact point I woke up. I think my teddy bear Roger bit me because he didn't like my dream. However, I contest that singing daisies are quite scary in their own right. I still had that freaked out feeling of not wanting to go back to bed after a really bad nightmare. So if ever someone asks you what hell is like you can tell them it is filled with singing daisies and teddy bear blood. At least the one in Georgia is.

High Ho High Ho, it’s off to work I go OR I love the smell of NAPALM in the morning

This dreary Monday morning I pulled my aching body out of bed and began my mundane task of getting ready for work. I realized that I had not made any lunch so I decided to stop by subway on my way to work. I drove to subway. As I entered I noted that they had a sign saying they were no longer taking church bulletins for sub discounts on Sunday. Guess there is no reason for anyone to go to church any more. Hmmm…

I stood in the empty subway while a young lady was writing down information from a posting on the wall. She looked up and then went back to her work. She seemed rather in a hurry. There was no one behind the counter. I stood there a while listening to the music. The writing girl got up and walked swiftly out the door. Very odd.

I stood there by myself now. I started to wonder if I was too early. It was about 9:05 when I came in. After a little longer I started to feel uneasy. That uneasy feeling you see people in horror movies get when they enter that diner that seems perfectly fine but all the staff are folded up in the back with all their life juices sucked out of them. Ya, and then they start to leave and the monster gets them too. I looked at the door. No signs of life anywhere. I wondered if this was finally it. Would I go in a Subway restaurant? How inhumane. I started to edge my way to the door when two Subway Artists came around the corner. I should have guessed. You know artists and their punctuality.

They saw me and the older artist acknowledged my presents with a slightly turned down frown. She continued to fill her meatballs and then finally came over to take my order. I ordered my usual, “6” wheat with roast beef and American cheese.” And I got my usual reply: “What kind of bread did you want? What did you want on it?” I don’t know why I even bother to form words the fist time around. Then to the toppings. I again ordered my usual: “lettuce, tomato, and black olives, that’s it thank you.” And I got my usual reply: “no mayo, mustard, horseradish, oil...?” with a look of “your sandwich is going to be dry.” Yes I know thank you for your concern. At least the lady that calls me baby wasn’t there.

The second artist was clumsily working at the register. She looked at her co-worker and said “you have to do a start up before you can ring anyone up. I don’t know how to do that.” So I waited for the register to turn on. I looked at the older worker who was working on starting up the register. I said “what time do you open?” thinking that the hours were wrong on the door. “Seven o’clock,” she said. “O,” I replied, guess the door hours are right. I thanked them for my sandwich and sulked out the door. I really didn’t have the time to spend 10 minutes at subway.

I got in my car and drove over the water and through the woods to the rest of the way to work. Just as I started to turn into my parking lot I was rudely jolted awake by the helicopter talking off from over the hill on the left of me. That is not where it normally parks! Holy crap, it came close…maybe it just seemed close as I didn’t sign up for choppers taking off next to me at work. I don’t want to be all I can be. Just leave me alone.

I pulled into a parking stall and turned off the engine. Hmmm….I thought. Maybe I should call to see if I was insured for helicopter accidents. Would there be any way that I could be at fault if my little Matrix and a helicopter went at it? Really even if I was driving 120 miles per hour, backwards, with my eyes closed, I think the chopper would have to be at fault. Am I wrong? Well I don’t want to be in the market for a new car or any new guts so I went inside and hid under my desk for the rest of the day.

It's a Zoo Out There

Recently I decided that I didn't want to be one of those people that live in a place and have never seen the sites. You know the type. They have lived there for years. You ask them what is good to see in their city or if a specific attraction is worth seeing and you get a blank stare. Not me. I figured you can't judge what you don't know. Since I have been in this state for over a year now, I better get to know it better. I don't want to be accused of not giving it a chance after all. Maybe I just missed the good parts of Georgia.

So to start it all off I decided to go to the zoo. I have always enjoyed the zoo. I have been to the zoos in Washington D.C.; Cincinnati, Ohio; Honolulu, HI; and Santiago, Chile. The zoo in Chile was great, but my all time favorite is the Henry Doyle Zoo in Omaha, NE. As a child we went there often. So how did the Atlanta Zoo compare? Well let's revisit my journey and find out.

The Atlanta Zoo reminds me of a very sad Noah's arc. Whatever animals are in the zoo there are only two of them. They all looked rather sad, lonely and very annoyed with the stupid jack asses on the other side of the cages. However, the zoo animals had an interesting way of dealing with the crowds of jerks banging on the cages, yelling and being generally disrespectful to the zoo creatures. I saw the butt of every animal in the zoo. I can't blame the animals for feeling the urge to moon all the stupid people. All the animals see is dumb asses all day they might as well show the asses their asses.

Sheep butts.

(No the resort sheep didn't come because I didn't want them to be stuck in the zoo.)

I started my painful journey in the rain to the Panda pen, the main attraction. Since I have been in Georgia a little panda cub was born at the zoo. So I wanted to see the little cutie before they sent her packing for China. I was standing at the Panda bear exhibit trying to be polite and take turns, as they asked of us. Unfortunately, I can not say that all the visitors learned how to take turns and respect others. Some families were pushing and shoving and throwing their kids at the glass past the "do not cross" bars. I watched as one mother tried to teach their child why it was wrong to bang on the glass while a grown man stood next to them making stupid faces and pounding on the glass with his kids. Why do parents feel the urge to teach their kids horrible manners? Why don't the zoo keepers use tranquilizer darts on the people that really need to be taken out? I would be a happier person if I could walk over to the fire extinguisher and see next to it a tranquilizer gun in a glass box that reads "in case of jack ass attacks." I would defiantly be breaking some glass. But instead I got my picture and moved on.

Panda Cub

I moved to the less crowed panda exhibits. I was looking at the red panda bear standing right next to the sign that said "Red Panda." A lady and child walked up next to me and stood on the other side of the sign. The lady, bless her soul, started to talk. "O look, it looks just like a little red bear. Just like a little bear. Like a teddy bear. I can't believe how much it looks like a bear. Look that red panda looks just like a bear." Now she went on like this for a while and I started to twitch. I felt the urge to pick up my phone right then and there and call child services. I hope that lady was not home schooling. How slow can one person be? The red panda is not just like a bear, the red panda IS a bear. That is why it is called a red panda bear. And I guess it wouldn't be so bad except that she obviously knew she was looking at a red panda and still didn't understand that it was a bear. It also might not have been so bad if the Atlanta's main zoo attraction wasn't the panda bears. Okay so there is yet another slow person committing their child to a life of stupidity.

I continued on. I looked down on the cement path and noticed the uniformly distributed paw prints leading to the tiger cage. I thought that was cute and I followed them down to see the tigers. As I walked, a woman in her late 20s early 30s started to rant about the paws. She said, "look at the paw prints in the cement. That's really cool. I wonder how long it took them to walk the tiger down this path to make the prints." Now I first thought she must have been talking to a little child and trying to get their imagination up. When I looked over I realized that she was not kidding, she was talking to the 30+ old man she was with. I walked faster hoping not to catch the stupidity.

After the tigers, I saw the apes, monkeys, gorillas, etc. This was rather a large exhibit. Apparently, there are a lot of cognitive and behavior testing on the primates at the zoo. Thus, they had a large number of them. The video by one of the cages showed a gorilla using a computer to recognize other gorillas and was rewarded with food. I thought it was a good thing they didn't do that test on the people standing next to me. I kid you not this is what I witnessed. The people standing next to me were making noises at the animals trying to get a reply. Then there was a noise that came back. The people got excited, and started making more stupid noises and more stupid noises came back. Now I stood there watching this display of stupidity in shear disbelief. You see it was not the animals making the noise (like the stupid people thought) but rather it was other stupid people on the other side of the exhibit also trying to get a noise out of the animals. I swear this actually happened. I can't translate Stupid but I can only hope it was not a matting call.

I walked away quickly. I finally made it to the meerkat cage to end my zoo experience. The zoo actually had a half dozen or so of these animals. Two of them were getting it on. I will spare you the comments of the stupid people when they finally realized what was going on. However, I did become amused by another meerkat sitting in the corner watching his mates mate. It probably was the highlight of my trip. I smiled and left the zoo.

:)

Georgia: Always up to code...just not sure which ones

Um...really, what can I say?

My Firsts

Well, I made it! I have officially been working and living in Georgia for one year. Wow, and I am still alive. Who would have thought that was possible? To celebrate, I am doing something very special. I am going to go to the dentist. I know I should have told you to sit down for that one. It will be the first time I ever have a dental appointment under my very own dental insurance. Exciting, I know. But this is not the only first I have had since moving to Georgia. So I think I will take the time to share with you some of my first. Some have been already posted about others will be new.

Within the last year for the first time I have...

tried grits…I’ll stay to my CoCoWheats

broke out in hives head to toe from ODing on Penicillin

experienced first hand an airbag deploying

got the brush off from a car dealership…yes I’m talking about you Mike Fitzpatrick Ford Lincoln Mercury of Newnan.

got called Miss. Erin

was asked if I went to church standing in line at the Post Office

worried about helicopters landing in my parking lot

worked a full time job….with my own office WITH windows

joined a gym

bought furniture to fill a house

dodging golf carts while playing Frisbee golf

lived where there was more trees than people

drove on an interstate with more that 4 lanes

had my clothes eaten by my closet

had a closet bigger than my dorm room

lived completely by myself

couldn’t buy alcohol on Sunday (well at least after I was 21)

made lasagna

tried to pull into a golf cart parking space in my car

bought a car all by myself

found a “lucky” four leaf clover

owned my own washer and dryer

wrote a blog…I know you are all happy about that

had a gas leak

lived in a state that was on fire

experienced a pollen invasion…ewww tree sex

been to Florida

got stared down by a giant possum

nearly hit a golf cart driving down the road with no lights

visited the Georgia Aquarium

got my gall bladder removed…pretty sure that will be the only time for that one

been asked if I wanted sweet tea

been downtown with no street lights

had a box thrown at me while grocery shopping

had a dishwasher

wore t-shirts in January when everyone else had on parkas

been yelled at by a guy in the United Kingdom

served gravy with my chicken strips

eaten at Chick-fil-a

been hung up on from a customer service office

went to IKEA

seen golf cart drag racing

experienced the ‘you can set your watch to’ the 3:30pm pour down of rain

eaten at a Waffle House

survived the Atlanta airport

bought a car all by myself

spent Easter away from the parental

lived out of a state of my parents

paid for cable

got a peach sticker for voting

took myself to the ER

paid a box to park

lived in a home with no insulation

heard a mockingbird

petted a shark

went to a zoo by myself

sat in a pee seat on a airplane

Okay that is what I could think of, even with help. You got any others?

Mommy, where do sheep come from?

Well when two sheep really love each other...


Addison

Everyone, welcome Addison to the flock. Addison will be at the resort with the other sheep and me until Mikey settles back in Iowa City. Yeah more sheep!!!

The Midas Touch

Recently I went back to Iowa for a visit. On the lucky day 07/07/07, I went and visited my friend John. As I opened my car door to get out the first thing I saw was a four leaf clover growing on the curb. This was the first four leaf clover that I have ever found. It had a few brown spots but I picked it and carried up to the house. I showed John and set it on his tv stand as we enjoyed our night. I left and forgot the clover on the stand. I called John and told him he could take care of the clover and enjoy its good luck. This got me a lot of razz for giving up my uber lucky clover to my friend.

A few days later, I was informed by John that the clover was not working. He was having some pretty rotten luck. Among other things his wash machine broke. Poor John. I told him that I guess the clover only works for the person that found it.

Today I was surprised to get a card from John with the clover in it. I took it out and unwrapped the cellophane that was around it. I saw that the 2^nd leaf was hiding behind the 3^rd. I touched the 2^nd to see if I could separate it. Unfortunately, the leaf snapped off due to the brittleness of the clover. :(

I figure I better put this clover in a really safe place. I grabbed a small picture frame and figured framing the clover was a good idea. I open the frame and glass shards fell off. The glass was chipped. O well broken frame for a broken clover.

The 'Lucky' Clover

We’ll have to see what kind of luck it will bring me. So far the best thing that has come from the clover is a card from John.

(O and did some laundry and I am a little worried about my wash machine. It sounds funny. Hmmm….)

The Gas Man Can

Today started off like any other “normal” day in PTC. I drug my butt out of bed, got ready, and went to work. I was so tired that I decided to go home over the lunch hour to take a nap. As I opened my door I got a scent of gas. Becoming callous to near death experiences from living in a continual state of trying to be murdered and being extremely tired, I decided to ignore the gas and just go to sleep anyway. So I lay down. I got up and as I walked out my door I noted that I should check the pilots when I got home from work tonight.

When I got home from work, I opened my door and smelled gas again. This time I checked my water heater. The pilot was fine. Then I checked my range. It is a gas range but it is an eclectic starter. So there was no possibility for a pilot light to be out. I called Whirlpool to see if they had any suggestions on what one should check to make sure their stove was not slowly trying to kill them. I got a message saying that they were closed. Awesome.

I check the range manual and it said that if you smell gas, call the gas company. So logically I called my brother in Minnesota instead hoping that he could give me some better words of wisdom. No luck.

I finally gave in and called the gas company. They told me that there was an abnormally large reporting of gas leaks in my neighborhood. And that I needed to leave my house immediately. A technician was on his way and would be there within the next half of an hour to an hour. I was not to touch anything, not even to hang up the phone. I didn’t tell them that I had been turning on and off all the appliances and had turned on all my gas burners. So I let them hang up on me and I did what I thought was right. I cleaned up my place so that the gas man would not know what a slob I was. I called people and stood in my laundry room folding my clothes. I even thought about baking a potato but couldn’t think of a good thing to say when the gas man came and asked me what I was doing. I walked outside ever once in a while to pretend like I was “doing the right thing.” I figured that I had opened enough windows that if I just stood outside it was the same as being inside by the window. Maybe that was the gas talking.

After an hour had passed I decided to call the gas company back. They told me that because of the increase in calls they were running behind. About an hour behind. Well, here I am; 8:30. I am hungry, NO starving. And I am looking at my steak that wants me to eat it. And of course I am writing a blog instead of standing outside for the gas company to come fix my problem. I even thought about calling the gas company back telling them that I think I can afford to lose a few brain cells and still function in this state. That they could just come tomorrow. But I guess I should “play by the rules” or whatever.

Have I become that callous? Do I don’t even care anymore? Should I just stick my head in the oven and get it over with? Ug…I need to walk away. Go check to make sure my neighbors are still alive.

Well the gas man just came and finally left. After he talked to me forever and showed me pictures of his grandkids. I love to talk but it is 10:30 and I haven’t even eaten yet. I did learn that I have a gas leak in the connector of my stove to the gas line. The gas man turned off my gas to the stove and gave my oven a nice new tag. Very thoughtful of him. He told me that in a normal day they get 20 gas leak calls. Today he got 300 and that was why it took him 3 hours to get here.

Great…hold on I have to see what the sheep are up to. They stopped making noise.

"Let's play gas man"
(no sheep were hurt in the taking this picture.)

You like my range accessory?
Call to get your own today!

Well I had a hard time keeping the sheep from playing “Gas Man.” Now I will have to deal with coming home to Jesse’s head in the oven every day. Well that was enough excitement for one day. O look it is midnight and the gas man is working across the street. Poor gas man. Guess I will call to get my oven fixed tomorrow. Good night…hopefully I will wake up in the morning.

Feel the Burn?

(Click to enlarge)

Baaa Baaaaa BAAAA!!!

Baaaa Baaaa Baaa baaaaa
BAAAA Baaa BAAA Baaa
Umm…baaa…ummm…..hi, ya okay. HI!!!
Hi I’m Chris Mac!
It’s Jesse BAAAA!!
Yeah that was D.J.
Little one doesn’t really speak
too much English much. Baaa! Baaa!
BAAAAAAAAAA!
D.J. Baaaa!
Look bell!! Oooo Baaaa bing!
Bing!
Ok, so we broke on to the
Blog while Erin is busy
painting her face. We
wanted to clear up some things
that Erin types in her last
post. Like what we were
doing at the resort when
Erin was gone and…. Baaaa!
AND about that bird.
O yeah our bird. Well, you…
It’s a MOCKING BIRD! BAAA!
Um...yeah so that bird is a
MOCKING BIRD!
Okay, Jesse, I think they got it.
Go back to your coloring books. Bing. baaa
O okay.
Anyway, you know how Erin was talking about that BAAAA! bird that Erin was complaining about? Well we heard the neighbor say it was a MOCKIGNBIRD. Um….yeah. A Georgia Mockingbird. Like in that book, To Kill a Mockingbird. I think Erin likes that book too much but maybe just for the title. BAA!
Yeah D.J. Likes Scout. And our mockingbird was mocking a car alarm yesterday. It was GREAT!!! Bing!
Ooo yellow!!!
Ug…yeah well. O back to the smoke day. I saw that Erin said that Sonny Perdue maybe burning down Georgia. There are SOOO many fires down here. It’s like Sonny is trying to be Nero. Do we really have to burn Rome, again? But unlike Erin I understand his thinking. Maybe he is a sheep. See, Georgia is all up in a tizzy about illegal immigrants. And they say that most are from Mexico. Mexico City has the most densely smog in the world. So if they fill Georgia with smog everyone will die except those that are used to it. So it will be really easy to spot the people that are from Mexico City. And then they can check all the live people it they have visas. Bing!

The sad thing is our tags say China and not Mexico. So we didn’t want to die. But no worries because I watch a lot of action movies and knew exactly what to do. I turned into Sheepo and grabbed the fire extinguisher. It has a pin just like a grenade and thus works just like it. You pull the pin; toss the extinguisher in slow motion while mouthing a word that is soo slow you don’t understand it; and when the extinguisher lands it destroys everything in its path. Just like a grenade for fire. And the I get fame and glory for saving the resort. And all is good. But Erin came home and told me that we were safe. Which is good too. But I sleep on the fire extinguisher now. Just in case.
I helped too!!
You crawled into the dryer. Beehhh
Yup, so?
So how did crawling in the
dryer help save the resort?
Well I had a spray bottle! Check the picture!
It works better if there is
water in it. What were
you going to do with it?
Well when the fire came I was going to throw it and let the fire take it instead of the resort.
Yeah, good job.
Thanks! :)
BAAAAAAAA!
Ok D.J. your turn. What were you doing?
Baaa!
Yeah lots of question for you, lets just start. How did you get to the top shelf with the cornstarch and cooking sherry?
Baaa Beeeehhhh!
O there is a picture.

Baaa

BAaaaa!

O Erin is not going to like that. Hmmm….
What was the cooking sherry for again?
Baaaa.
Okay, good.
O baaa, I hear Erin. Her face must be all gone. Baaa!
Baaaa
Beeehhhh Baaaa
Baaa Baaa
Bye! BYE!!!! BAAAA!! Bing…oooo

O the joys of nature

This morning started off like every other evil morning in Georgia. My alarm went off; I hit snooze; and that darn bird started up again. Yes, I know we should all love nature and try to save it and blah blah blah vomit. Where did I put that arsenic? Um…anyway….I have a crazy bird that lives outside my window. It is trying to hook up with my alarm clock. It has learned to mimic the exact pitch and patter of my alarm. So every day from my room you can hear “zonk, zonk, zonk” (alarm clock) SMACK (snooze) “zonk, zonk, zonk” (slightly challenged Georgia bird). So I got up and tried not to think about what kind of animal/machine would come from an alarm clock – bird mating and headed to the bathroom to beautify myself for the day.

After getting all beautified to go sit in my office by myself all day I stepped outside. I was hit! Hit by the smell of smoke. Now being that I live in the middle of a forest, smoke seems to bother me a bit more than it used to. I looked around. Didn’t see anything burning? The smoke was kind of thin, so I determined that it must be from somewhere other than my neighborhood. I got in my car and drove to work. I stepped out of my car and there it was again. This mysterious smoke was really starting to bother me. Hmmm…well I did what any logical person does when they smell smoke; I checked the internet for news. I figured it was coming from the big tire burning in Butts County Georgia. Which is only a few counties over from me. Later I would find out it was smoke from the Georgia/Florida border fire some 300 miles away. (I think it is a new illegal immigration tactic Sonny Perdue is putting into place. They are wicked serous about illegals around here. I have no idea why anyone would fight to get into Georgia!)

Anyway, I go home to find I was not the only one worried about this mystery smoke. I saw Chris Mac sitting on the fireplace with the fire extinguisher. I asked Chris what was up. To which I got, “well I’m guarding the resort from the fire. And it will come in at the fireplace because that is where the fire belongs.” Ok, well I guess that makes sense to a sheep. Then I asked, "Chris do you know how to use a fire extinguisher?" Chris, "Yup, just like a grenade. I see it all the time in movies." O great. I explained to Chris that the fire was really far aways and that we just had to watch out not to breath too much of the smoke. We were in the orange zone but we would be fine inside. Then I got a little worried because Chris is the brightest sheep in the herd at the resort. (But Chris is still a sheep, so…)

Chris Mac guarding the fireplace.

Then I heard some thumping from the laundry room. I enter and there was Jesse in the dryer. I asked Jesse, “Why are you in the dryer?” To which Jesse said, “Well I was going to climb into the washer to hide from the fire in water because I know water beats fire. But then the washer was too heigh so I climbed in the dryer instead.” Hmmm…more sheep logic. I told Jesse that it was safe to come out.

Jesse hiding in the dryer.

Now there is one more sheep that lives at the resort D.J. I can only image what D.J. got into. I looked and looked and finally I found D.J. behind the door in the den. I asked D.J., “What are you doing! And why are you behind the door?” D.J. looked at me with teared eyes and said, “I’m hiding from the fire. It won’t find me behind the door. And I got these candles to fight the fire if it does find me. And if I couldn’t fight the fire with fire than I have this cornstarch to throw on it.” O dear. Good thing I have sheep safety on the lighter. I said, “D.J. were did you get this idea to use fire and cornstarch to fight the fire?” D.J., “well, I heard on the news that they were building fires to stop the fires. And I’ve seen you cook.” Hmmm…okay. Then I asked, “D.J. what is with the cooking sherry?” D.J. replied, “Just in case.” O the sheep logic is strong with this one.

D.J. and the cooking sherry.

So after getting everything put back where it belonged I sat the sheep down and we had a conversation. I explained that the fire was very very far away. I told them that it was very safe in Georgia. (Some times you have to lie to sheep so they can sleep at night. It is hard for them to count themselves.) So I got all the sheep settled down. Then it started rain. And I said, “See the rain will keep fire away.” And then we saw lightning.

Poor sheep.

Do You KNOW what Pollen IS?!?

(Click comic to enlarge.)

So some have thought that I make things up for my blog. Here are some pictures to support my comic. And really the pictures do not do this phenomenon justice.

My front stoop that has some cover from the elements.

My pollen gutter, I mean rain gutter.

Snot on Planes

Last week I went up to Minneapolis, MN to visit some of my family and get a fresh breath of Midwestern air. Of course this required a plane trip up there and back. I know a lot of people that don't like to fly because of the close proximity to other people and their sicknesses. Some people I know get sick ever single time they fly. I however have little fear of getting sick and am normally pretty good about other people's grossness. As I'm sure my mother can attest, I was the little girl that contemplated throwing dirt in my scrapes to see if I could get them to puss. But facial liquids…facial liquids are a completely different story…

I stared at the Suduko puzzle on the back of the in-flight magazine sipping my Sprite with no ice on the Boeing 737. Minding my own business I hear the sound that makes my skin crawl off of my muscles and bones into my shoes. SSSSNNNIIIIHHHHHAAAA The mucus fighting to get out and the person refusing to let it go while the nose screams in horror. This individual has some sick obsession with fighting gravity to pull that snot up past their nose hairs and into their throat. As I hear this I could feel a phantom wad of mucus sliding down the back of my throat to my unsuspecting stomach below. Don't these people get enough food in their lives? They will give you as many pretzels that you want on the plane. Does other people's snot taste like chocolate? What am I missing!?

I spotted the culprit on the way up to MN. I stared at the back of his head contemplating if I could render him unconscious, and thus making him stop, by chucking my pen at his head. I analyzed the obstacles in my way (other passengers) and determined the different ways this could go wrong. But I was willing to take the risk. Unfortunately, I just couldn't subject my poor pen to touching such a disgusting person. I looked at the call button wondered if I could ask the flight attendant to suffocate the man with a pillow. But she didn't look strong enough. The man obvious had great nose pressure and could easily blow the attendant well into first class.

And if it wasn't bad enough that I had to fly next to this guy on the flight up and the flight back, his snot sucking was contagious. Other people all around me started the sniffling. I finally could take no more. My body curdled up into the fetal position as I started to twitch uncontrollably. My only hope was that the turbulence of the plane would comfort me enough to fall asleep and escape the horror.

As I started to fall in and out of consciousness I had an even worse experience. I thought I heard myself sniffle, and then again. Was this some sick dream? Was I really sniffling? I couldn't take it anymore! Luckily the plane landed shortly and I ran off. (I would like to take this time to apologize to any elderly ladies I may or may not have knocked over on my rush off of the airplane.) I could never have imagined in a million years how happy I was to be on Georgia ground.

Erin's Suburban Hell

Here is your guide. More than what I had when I did the trip.

It was one of the first gorgeous Saturday days of a Georgia spring and I was just starting to feel good after my surgery. I had been cooped up for the last 2 weeks at home and sitting in the office. I was ready to start a new beginning in Georgia with the new season. So I decided to take advantage of the nice weather and go explore what PTC had to offer. I drove my nice new car to Peachtree Lake (1) and started to explore. First, I checked out the fountain in front of the City Hall/Library. Next, I looked over the disc golf course. And then finally, I got serious and started walking around the lake.

Just stay by the fountain and you'll be fine.

I felt pretty good and entered the wooded area. Not completely sure where I was going I figured I could always backtrack. I had been on this first part of the path before. It was nice and everyone that walked or drove by in their golf carts smiled. I approached what I thought was a funny site (2). Someone had drawn a chalk outline of a person on the path. It didn't say "Abandon all hope all who enter here…" so I figured I was still good. I took a picture and moved on.

Sometimes you have to see the signs and READ them.

As I progressed I started to wonder where I was actually at. Right then (3) I saw a sign. It said "THE FRED" and it pointed further down the trail. (The Fred is the local amphitheatre. I was just wondering the other day how to get there so I thought I would walk a little more to see where it was.) I walked and then checked my watch (4). I had been walking for a while now. But it couldn't be that far. The people that passed by me didn't seem as friendly now. Maybe my look of bewilderment was showing. Could the locals see my fear? Were they going to attack? I quickened my step.

I was starting to worry now. I had just realized (5) that the lake was larger then it appeared on the map that I looked at earlier. They really should have a note on those things saying that the actual size is bigger than the picture.

By now (6) I had made it half way around the lake. So I thought. There was a map. I stood in front of it all sweaty in my jeans and t-shirt wishing I had dressed better for a walk of this size. My heart sank. I was on the opposite side of the lake from my car. All I wanted was to lie down. The people gave me dirty looks as I almost had to kiss the small posted map. I was without my reading glasses. Now I had a decision to make. Did I backtrack the way I came? Or do I continue on? At this point I had lost hope of actually finding this Fred they spoke of. But I still chose to walk the other side of the lake. Apparently, in my delusional state I thought that half way was half way any way you sliced it. But I would soon remember I was in Georgia not Iowa where this sort of logic did not exist.

I continued on the trail (7). Why was I walking away from the lake? Why couldn't I see the lake? But I saw that the path started to go back to the lake so I continued on. Walking, walking, walking. I started to feel the burn. Then my side got a stitch. Then my belly button started to hurt. O, no. I was supposed to be resting not killing myself! But what could I do? I was already, what I thought, over halfway done. I was able to see the lake again (8) so there was a glimmer of hope. Turning back would be worse. So I thought.

Soon the view of the lake was gone. I started to pull on my jeans to make it up the hill (9). I thought about stopping but then I knew I would not start again. And I was lost. Lost in my own Suburban Hell. Houses to the left and right. No lake in site. Even Dante had Virgil to guide him. Where was my guide? I thought about my phone. I could call for help. But who would I call? And the energy that I would have to spend to push the buttons was too much. With only the path to guide me I mustered the energy to move forward.

I thought of happier times, of the A/C in my new car, my comfortable bed, children playing. What children playing? I saw another sign (10). This time it was of a teeter-totter in the middle of the road with children playing on it. I took another picture. My heart sank. Here I am following and putting my trust in a path that was probably planned by the same stupid urban planners that put a piece of playground equipment in the middle of the road. Ug…stupid sadistic engineers. I hurried on hoping not to meet any of them.

Who thought a teeter-totter in the middle of the road was a good idea?

By time I reached (11) I had lost all hope. I started to look for a place to lie down and die. I would never seem my car again, my prized Beatrice.

Just when I started to fluff my death bed (12) I saw another sign. It read a street name that seemed familiar to me. Now this was only a little hope since all the names are the same with the exception of the BLV, ST, RD, addendum and what not. With the little energy I had left I carried my feeble body on. I hoped that my anguish would soon be over. And then I saw the City Hall/Library (13).

The end was near! I moved with all my power hoping not to collapse on the pavement in front of my car. I unlocked to doors and climbed in. For the first few minutes I just sat there with the A/C blowing on me. My legs were too weak to use the peddles. My multiple hour adventure was finally over. I mustered up enough energy to drive home never seeing the Fred.

You like me, you really like me!

Or maybe not. Hmmm….let’s not dwell on that. In any case it has come to my attention that my blog has gone forth and gathered more readers. Now it is not just family and friends but rather other people that have no idea how crazy I really am. O and let the games begin.

I have been linked to the online local Fayette Community Newsletter. Check me out: www.fayettefrontpage.com/columns/bloglist.htm. You have to scroll down and I’m the first blog under Fun & Misc. Seems only appropriate, I always seem to be the first in the category of Fun and Miscellaneous. The caption reads “An Iowa gal moves to PTC and isn't overly fond of our neck of the woods. Fun to read!” Now I would just like to clarify that it is not the neck of the woods that I mind so much as the armpit of the woods in PTC. And really I think this poster is saying “An Iowa gal moves to PTC and look at how messed up we make her. Fun to read!” But little did the Georgians know that I have always been messed up. Anyway, it was fun to find my blog is reaching out to the natives and they are not throwing rocks. Not yet. Please, Georgians, if you spot me, don’t throw rocks at me. I can barely function by myself. No assistance necessary in the malfunctioning parts.

But it is not just the Georgians that are spotting my blog. I recently received a comment from a Derek who lives all the way in the U.K. I have no idea how they found me but hey, I don’t care. He seemed a little less then happy but really I think he just wanted to plug his own website. And since I love tosee new commenters, what the heck. Visit Derek. UK @ www.dhbruk.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk.

Anyway if you are new to the blog, welcome. I hope you enjoy the tragic-comedy that is my life. If you are not new but are not commenting, shame on you. Grr. And if you have no idea what is going on, you're in the right place. Please, feel free to comment, and remember please don’t post anything that is not for sheep ears. If you want to contact me and not the rest of the world, you can send me an email via sheep.4225sc@gmail.com.

Georgia, you win!

I’ve had enough! I quit! Today I got up to go to Palm Sunday Mass and as I entered church it started to rain. I love the rain so it brought a smile to my face. Mass was long today, coming in at a total of one hour and 30 minutes. When I left church I got in to my car. As I drove home in the dreary weather, I saw the pollen that has been building up for the past few weeks become yellow swirls in the pooling water. As I came into my cal-de-sac my heart sank. Something was wrong.

My mind went to earlier that morning when I found my back door open when I woke up. Then to last night where I heard my neighbor tell the story of her car being robbed outside in her drive way. I pulled up to my driveway and saw where my font door used to be. I parked and went out. My place is completely trashed. Everything of value to me is either gone or destroyed from the rain. I have always been told that I live in the bad part of Peachtree City, but I never imagined. I mean it is Peachtree City, what crime is there, really?

Well, I won’t be living here anymore. This is the last straw! I’m packing what I have left and tomorrow I will call my company to quit my job. Georgia, you win.